Our definition of success changes over time. For example, an infant grasping a toy, a child learning to ride a bike, or a teenage making the basketball team. But somewhere along the line, we start defining success by what other people, outside us, are doing. Keeping up with the Jones’s!

 Why?

I think there are three main reasons:

• We tend to think someone outside us that has a result we want KNOWS more than we do, so we seek their help. When, in reality, we KNOW what we need to do, we just don’t do it!
• The fear of criticism- what will other people say? What does that matter?
• Fear of Failure- what if I’m wrong? Do you think the baby reaching for a toy or the child learning to ride a bike ever make a mistake? Of course- mistakes are part of the process!

What would your life be like if you could reach the end of the day and say, without a doubt, I reached my definition of success today?

What about your people: your kids, significant other, boss, team members,...

I’ve coached hundreds of leaders over the last five years and one thing they all have in common is that their problem is usually related to fear. One of these:

• Criticism- the fear of what ‘they’ will say
• Failure- what if I do it ‘wrong’?
• Success- what if I do it ‘right’- how will my life change?
• Loss- of freedom, control, my job, etc.

Every time, we delve deeper, we find there is a story attached to that fear. Either something they’ve experienced in the past or something they’ve made up in their mind. The story runs the show.

Not logic.

Not reason.

Not systems or processes.

Their STORY!

So, what’s the fix? We try to get their conscious brain (the awake, aware, alert part) to focus on a new positive image of what they want to happen while allowing their subconscious brain (the auto-pilot) to get you to your goal. Change the story, change the result!

Try it! If you’d like help, just let me know!

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Our sub-conscious brain has a pattern for success and a pattern for failure. Sometimes we frustrate our success mechanism with tension, anxiety, and overwhelm.

“I’ve gotta make this sale!”

“I need them to finish this deadline!”

“I have to do well in this presentation!”

We tell ourselves stories about the negative results we’ll get if we fail and turn, what should be an innocent situation, into a life or death decision. This freaks our brains out a bit! No wonder you don’t get the result you want!

After working with dozens of coaching clients helping them increase sales, lead their teams well, and perform in front of small and large audiences, I can tell you there are three things that commonly ‘fix’ the too much tension problem:

• RELAX: let your brain off the hook, give it a break, take a walk or do some breathing exercises
• PAUSE: pausing several times a day never hurt anybody! Practice gratitude for all you have.
• ...

Depends on the mistake!

Is it a relationship mistake, such as not keeping a promise you made to an employee? Check, done that!

Is it a production mistake, such as failing to meet a deadline? Check, done that!

Is it an empowerment mistake, as in you came into the conversation a little too bossy, rather than helpful? Check, done that!

So, what do you do when you make one of these mistakes? There are 5 steps of moving forward:

• Acknowledge your mistake: don’t ignore it, acknowledging is half the battle!
• Take steps to fix it right away if you’ve hurt someone in a physical or emotional way
• Apologize for your mistake: be real and honest with yourself and others
• What’s the REAL problem? The mistake isn’t the real problem! Your thinking that leads TO the mistake is the problem! (do you need to change a system or process, do you need some self-care or personal development time, do you need to change your thinking, or build a skill set?)
• Forgive yourself! You are...

If you’re like most people, you tend to have a hate/hate relationship with your mistakes, flaws, and screw-ups. You might even blame, shame, or judge yourself by them. The problem is that we get stuck when we do this. And our people do, too!

When we show our flaws and admit our mistakes, it takes the sting out of that self-judgment.

It also gives permission to your team that mistakes are okay and even welcome. Do we give others permission, by our example, to show their flaws, or do we model hiding them?

What would your workplace look like if your people could admit when they failed and find the help they need to move forward?

What would happen to your metrics if people didn’t hide their mistakes?

How could your team grow together if they knew it was safe to say, “I’m sorry”?

If you, like me, can imagine many of your workplace dramas disappearing and a kind of utopia setting in, you might be right! Your people take their cues from you. Be the change you...